Many of these illustrations are goddamn hilarious, as they use a sterile art style reminiscent of airline safety pamphlets. It’s like everybody survived a plane crash and celebrated with an orgy. Take this picture below, which adorns a bunch of international Wiki entries for “prostitute.” This guy clearly stole a first responder’s car and tore ass to the nearest “abandoned warehouse” district.
“When I found out my seat cushion doubled as a flotation device, boy howdy, was I hard as a rock!”
I won’t deny that there’s educational value in knowing the exact mechanics of the ol’ gamete rodeo. Given the dismal state of public library funding, a curious cardholder looking for the Kama Sutra inevitably must make due with half a dog-eared copy of Moby-Dick that smells like KOOLs. (Without these Wikipedia pages, we’d likely see a massive uptick in indecent exposure arrests on whale-watching tours.)
But I will say that — with many of these drawings — it’s unclear where pedagogy ends and “the artist was obviously wanking the whole time” begins. Well, one guy alone drew dozens of them (link NSFW). If you’re a Madison Avenue type who needs public domain bukkake clip art to advertise your client’s shoehorn, now you know where to go.
“Thank you for fulfilling my dream of living as a bassoon for a day.”
Without further ado, here’s the most brain-melting Wikipedia art of people in flagrante delicto. Again, these are easily accessible pictures from one of the most popular websites on the planet. As of press time, all of them were top images, unless otherwise specified. (Images have been censored here for those working readers whose HR reps don’t have an anilingus policy on the books).
#5. The Most Placid Fisting Ever
From The Wikipedia Page For: “Fisting”
Look at that lady’s face. I’m sorry, nobody in the history of fisting — whether fistee or fister — has ever made that damn face. That’s a beatific expression reserved for occasions like “a new delivery of wainscoting” or “a perfectly seasoned shepherd’s pie” or “the third consecutive 67-degree day this week” — not “becoming your own human hand puppet.” This picture belongs on the album cover for Pure Moods for Fisting. (Also, what’s up with the blue background? It’s like a lazy day in the Fortress of Solitude.)
#4. Whatever the Heck This Is
From The Wikipedia Page For: “Gonzo Pornography”
Make Sure to get the Best Gonzo ever !
This picture is supposed to represent “point-of-view pornography,” not “the miniature angel and devil that sit on characters’ shoulders in Looney Tunes cartoons, blowing each other.”
Also, I’m writing this particular entry in a coffee shop, so I really can’t look at the above picture and let it inspire another rib-tickling turn of phrase. All I can really say is, uh, “Those kids really got moxie.”
#3. Crestfallen Facials
From The Wikipedia Page For: “Facial”
I really hope there is an innocent, unsullied soul out there who’s actually finding these drawings of facials super-educational.
Incidentally, the Wikipedia page for “Facial” has more than one illustration of women totally not enjoying said pornographic hallmark.
#2. Remember, All of These Pictures Are in the Public Domain
From The Wikipedia Page For: “Snowballing”
#1. Oh, This is Just Gross
From The Wikipedia Page For: “Gokkun”
Gokkun is an onomatopoeic Japanese term for when a woman drinks a Big Gulp’s worth of semen from a container. And holy hell, you do not need a picture demonstrating this. Anyone’s who experienced the wonder technology that is a cup can put two and two together here. Seriously, there’s zip that’s educational about this picture. People go on Wikipedia to visualize stuff like fennec foxes and goblin sharks, not “how to drink a crowd-sourced smoothie.”
In fact, the illustrator missed the most interesting part of this scenario: the line of harried salarymen waiting in line to donate their seed to the perverted arts. Just imagine: One guy is tapping his foot impatiently. A second man checks his watch and sighs — he doesn’t have all day for this! Yet another man shames himself (and his family) by bringing his own Nalgene (what a novice). Another dude is eating a comically oversized submarine sandwich, the mayo-smeared pickles spilling onto his blazer. Finally, there’s a guy at the back of the line inexplicably wearing a Jughead crown. Nobody dares talk to him.
In conclusion, there are merits in illustrating some of the more kinesiologically WTF sexual techniques. But if you’re considering drinking “the unspeakable gallon,” all of your prior life experiences with non-semen beverages should allow you to freestyle your way across that Rubicon.